The foundation of systemic phenomenological work



Jochen Beyer

Is trainer, facilitator and coach at the Bert Hellinger Instituut Nederland

3 June 2020|

Am I worth it?

Am I worth it?

Dear W.,

Thank you for your question. “Am I worth it?”
This question continues to resonate with me as I read your story and let questions run through me. Do not worry W., you are not the first and certainly not the last person who raises such questions or who gets hunted (en often remain hunted) by such questions:

  • Am I worth having more time?
  • Am I worth less stress?
  • Am I worth living in abundance?
  • Am I worth less hard work than the others?
  • Am I worth… (fill it in yourself)?

As mentioned, questions that hunt many of us, that keep us busy. From a systemic perspective, what can help is to look back into the background of our family system. Who in your background was not allowed to enjoy or live in abundance? Or even, who in your background may have paid a high price or have made a sacrifice in order to be able to enjoy or to work less hard?
It is very possible that you are unconsciously more or less connected to this family member or relatives from your background. You may be identified with them and very loyal to them. We usually do not do this consciously, it happens without us wanting it to happen. You may also have made a promise to them, often unconsciously. For example, “What happened to you will never happen to me.” or “Whatever happens, I will remain faithful to you.” or “I will have no better/more than you.”

Perhaps the time has come to review this promise, in the here and now. You may need to become unfaithful to them or to your own thoughts about them. This, in order to be able to fully enjoy life in all its dimensions again. What you can do is to acknowledge what they stood for, acknowledge who they were (or are) and to acknowledge what life they have given to you. The next step in the direction of your life are the following sentences that you can pronounce: “I see you and what you stood for and in that era or context. Thank you for that and I’ll leave it with you. Because I live now and in this actual context”.
Inwardly you can then turn in the direction of your life, with your background -including them- as a source behind you, nourishing and connecting.

Thank you again for your question dear W., and I wish you all the best in and with your life.

Warm regards,
Jochen Beyer


Read here the whole message from W.:

This time demands a new kind of leadership from me.
In our organization, because of a reorganization due to the strong growth of the organization, a transition from a one-person manager per department (Me) to a four-person leadership team took place. This was installed just before the Corona time.
So that team has only just been put together and we are all looking for our new place in the whole. I have a feeling that a certain abundance has come upon me, that is difficult to embrace. I constantly ask myself the following questions:
“Am I worth having more time to do my work where I previously had been under too much pressure and stress for years because it was really too much?”.
“All team members are so busy and is that in the right proportion to me now”?
“What should I do with the time that is now being released”?
It makes me restless and I am very ‘searching’. I feel relieved because I can share tasks and no longer have to jump around like a fool. At the same time, I feel sad about letting go of a number of tasks.
What steps should I take to be back in a strong and balanced position in this new leadership, aligned with myself, aligned with the organization and team members and aligned with the wider world?

Thank you,


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