A conversation with Maaike van der Heiden

“‘I am a sensitive person. My body is always reacting. So when I was introduced to systemic work, I could immediately accept its power, because my body felt it. Oh, I thought, THIS is it. This is what I have been feeling for a long time but could not name. THIS is what is chafing in my work as a trainer, when I am working on skills, behaviour, communication: I am only in the upper layer and this is what is going on in the lower layer. I saw the limitation that I had felt before but was now getting language for.

I had never heard of a family constellation before, when someone told me about systemic work years ago. However, I did become – as always – immediately curious. I decided to attend a workshop and something happened to me there. I felt a kind of click. I found myself on another layer, where the body suddenly joined in and the puzzle in my head became complete.

I found it miraculous what happened there. I understood things that had previously remained question marks, answers came to unanswered questions. These were not even active questions, but the constellation made it clear what else was involved in a problem. The implicit became explicit – and there lay the answers.

Systemic work makes it clear that you are part of something bigger. It’s not just what you do or don’t do; you are connected to more than just yourself so you are also guided by more than just yourself. So with systemic work, you can actually create a kind of map, on which you can see where you are and which strings are pulling you – or vice versa, which strings you are pulling.

I always knew there was more between heaven and earth. I come from the farm, grew up with nature and lots of animals around me. Very down-to-earth, with my hands in the clay. I felt there was more than the visible, but my head is also critical. I don’t take anything for granted. I keep asking questions and want to know everything: yes but why? What is behind it? How did that come about? This curiosity has been part of me since childhood. I always want to know: how do things work and what happens inside someone?

So once I knew about systemic work, I also wanted to learn all about it. I went to the Bert Hellinger Institute and took almost all the courses. Pretty soon, I popped a ball to see if I could join the BHI. In time, I was indeed invited. I work in all fields, both on the family side and in organizations, providing training but also coaching. And I have room to remain curious and explore.

A bit of pioneering and experimentation is part of me. Even in training, I allow myself and the group to see: where are we hanging out now and what is appropriate in the moment? And then if that means shaking things up, we shake things up. I prefer that we can find the depth in the moment and learn from it rather than having to finish a programme. In doing so, I like to look for the slowdown, to feel through what is and what is not there.

I also encourage participants to keep exploring. Yes we are telling you this now, but you may also reject it again. Keep asking questions, we don’t know everything yet. And when participants want to make new links to other fields or techniques: try it. But don’t do so too quickly. Take the training fully in first and only then see if you can combine it. Only then can you discover the power of one and the other. If you start making some kind of sauce in advance, the ingredients that make it up will be indistinguishable.

I myself am always open to what else is possible. From that question, a new learning programme was born, the Systemic Personal Development Programme. A 9-day course in which you gently go upside down and really get to work fully with yourself and your own themes. For the trajectory, I collected and devised exercises from all kinds of backgrounds.

In that search for valuable lessons, I thought back to boxing coach Robin van Soolingen, with whom I have worked more than once. I knew immediately that I also wanted to include boxing in the programme. But how do you do that, combine boxing and setups? With that idea, we started playing together. We created an open space, in which I sat next to the questioner and Robin sat next to me again. Constellations arose in which boxing was done, or in which representatives were added while boxing was going on.

That combination turned out to create enormous added value. Because the moment you start boxing, you no longer think. Your mechanisms take over. And the body doesn’t lie, it shows exactly what is going on inside you, especially when you get tired.

On top of that, when something resonates, it suddenly resonates threefold when the body is so activated. I like that, that something like this then comes about by opening up to new possibilities.

My curiosity is a common thread in my life. When someone sits down next to me, I ask myself: how does that work for you? What do you have to do? Where is your movement going? I remain curious about people. Based on that curiosity, I walk a bit with you on your path. And maybe I can mean something and get to know you.

I like being allowed to be a passer-by and to discover. In the other person’s story, but also in the world. I have travelled a lot, having just travelled again with my family for six months. My love for travelling also comes from that urge to discover.

For me, the power of systemic work proves itself at every level: personal, social, in organisations. Of course, a personal coaching or family constellation is much closer. That one is really about you. In an organization, you can still dive in a bit if you don’t want to get too personal.

It takes courage to make things visible and speak out. Because there is often a good reason why things are left unsaid or situations have disappeared under the carpet. So it is also exciting and vulnerable to work with what people would rather not see.

That requires me to be sharp. But lovingly sharp. I can wield the knife with one hand and be ready with the first-aid kit with my other. I like to have a warm contact, but also love a joke.

Whether I am in front of a group or doing laundry at home; you only see and meet one Maaike. I bring my tears, my laughter, my concoctions, my vulnerable piece, my body; everything. That, I think, is what you have to do as a counsellor: people only take their whole life with them if you do the same. If I stay in my head, so will they. But if I bring my whole body, I invite the other person to do the same. And that brings so much, if successful. Not only to gain insight, but also to discover movement forward.