A conversation with Sandra Hardenberg

“I knew absolutely nothing about systemic work when I came across the vacancy for office manager at the Bert Hellinger Institute. And yet I felt very strongly: this is it, this is going to be my job. I typed my letter in succession, straight from my heart, and pressed send. Barbara [Hoogenboom] was already hanging on the phone 20 minutes later.

At that moment, I was searching. I had lost my job as department head due to bankruptcy and I had suffered burnout before that. The Neurolinguistics study I had done years before did not give me enough practical tools to find a job in that.

So what was going to be the next step? I had no idea. I mainly knew what I no longer wanted, not necessarily what I did want. And I decided to just take the time to figure it out. Things turned out differently, because the introduction to the Bert Hellinger Institute clicked so well that I couldn’t wait to get started.

During the first conversation with Barbara, so many things clicked for me. ‘Ooooh, that’s how it is.’ And: ‘So that’s what I felt.’ It was like coming home. I still get goose bumps when I think about it.

I was and still am a very rational type. Very hands-on. I come from a family of real Frisians. No talkers, but sensitive. I have always felt more.

In the past I have experienced situations in which I felt with everything in my body that something was not right, or that someone was not authentic. Or that even as a child I felt something was left unsaid in the family, for example. I pushed that aside because I thought I couldn’t sense things ahead of time.

Now I know that I should always take my gut feeling seriously. I won’t do that any more either. It is always right. All the decisions I make now, I take on a gut feeling.

Even when I hire a new employee. What kind of CV or experience you have doesn’t really matter to me. I start the conversation and then I go through my body: what do I feel, what do I notice, do I like the person? That forms my decision.

That feelings now take precedence over rational thinking is because of my experience with systemic work. The first time I participated in a constellation as a representative was really a revelation. Like plugging into someone else’s WiFi network. I can remember a constellation where I cried my eyes out as soon as I stepped into the field. The tears were rolling down my cheeks. Very intense. And then I was also able to unplug again. So special.

As a representative, you often have no idea why you say or do something. But I dare to trust that it is correct information. And often it is just very accurate information.

As a questioner too, I have experienced what systemic work does. As a partnership, we have regular moments when we get together and go through issues with an external facilitator. That gives so many insights to take forward myself.

On a personal level, I have also experienced this. There are things going on at home, with the children for instance, and then I think that as a mother I am probably not doing it right. A constellation then shows what movements there are in the family, where they come from and why things are the way they are. Those insights are so important. And I continue to use them in my daily life.

That is very important for all staff here, to experience for themselves what systemic work does. Participating in the workshops, taking training courses. I am always included in that myself. It is valuable for yourself but it is also very important to be able to advise participants or coachees well.

When I became co-owner of the BHI, I also wanted to take a basic course myself, as it is part of my position. That became the System Dynamics in Organizations course. Not because I want to become a trainer or constellator myself, I just feel completely at home as a project organizer and booster. I wouldn’t be able to distance myself from that at all. But it has brought me a lot, also in my current role.

For instance, I use my knowledge in situations in the office. I enjoy making small systemic interventions or asking stimulating questions, which allow you to look at a situation just a little differently.

The systemic view has become part of me. I wouldn’t – or couldn’t – want to do without it anymore. I think if I had had that view earlier I would have handled many things very differently. Maybe I wouldn’t have even gotten into that burnout. I got completely stuck because I couldn’t name things that I can name now.

And sometimes I still can’t name it, but I can feel it. If I feel it’s not yet time for a certain step, for example, I postpone that step. Sometimes I’m then asked, ‘Why haven’t you taken care of that yet?’ Then something stops me. It often turns out later that it was the right thing to do. I dare to trust my feelings completely now.”