No longer alone, but understood without speaking

Reflection on the two-day workshop for descendants of Dutch bargee families

As soon as several participants arrived, it was clear this was going to be a special group. Usually, the coffee room is rather quiet before a workshop begins, but now it was immediately a bustling chatter. “It feels like a family reunion!” said our caterer, Rudolf. And participants also shared that there was so much recognition right away: “no longer feeling alone, but understood without speaking.”

The ship comes first

We began the workshop by walking around the room and becoming aware of our bodily reactions. A shudder went through the room when I placed some pillows representing “the ship” – resulting in a deafening, breathtaking silence and a collective movement away from the ship.

“The ship always comes first,” was the shared statement.

Boarding school children 

Seventeen of the twenty participants were boarding school children. For bargee families, it was a foregone conclusion that when a child turned six, they would go to boarding school. Nowadays, more families live ashore, and the father often sails alone. Some had a number at the boarding school and were still allergic to it if they saw it anywhere. Some lived in groups of a hundred girls together, 24 hours a day. With only one telephone to occasionally call their parents in front of the rest of the children. However, this is how lifelong friendships were formed, and fellow boarding school children became, so to speak, family members.

The resulting patterns were very recognizable to everyone: being a chameleon; escaping into your head to temporarily have your own space; being able to adjust anywhere, but always feeling alone; having to mature early and do everything yourself; and being limitless. This last point elicited from me the statement: “The ship marks the boundaries.” Another shudder ran through the group.

Strengths and qualities

An exercise in which we faced and acknowledged the “price that the skipper’s life has cost many generations” brought many tears, but was also remarkably cathartic. Afterward, another exercise highlighted the qualities developed through being a bargee. It was striking how difficult most people found it to acknowledge their own qualities, yet were able to recognize those of others.

Connection and healing

These were two very intense days, where many felt understood for the first time, in a group “that speaks the same language without having to explain it”. The recognition of generations of abandonment had an incredibly connecting and healing effect.

I am grateful that, as a non-bargees child, I was able to work with this group of people!

Bibi Schreuder