Examples of family constellations

When does a family constellation take me forward?

A family constellation can bring new perspective to personal questions in various areas, such as relationships, education, career. By examining your question systemically, a new perspective is created that suddenly allows you to move where you couldn’t before.

Systemic inquiry means you explore where your patterns originated in your family’s system. This is not (only) about the individuals in your family, but it is mostly about how our families have dealt with history and how they have survived painful situations. Unconsciously, their way of surviving has created patterns that you may now experience as squeezing.

In a family constellation, a systemic facilitator helps you visualize these unconscious patterns. And when they become visible, choices arise that allow you to move forward.

Some examples of situations we often explore in a family constellation

Example 1:
A family constellation when failing to find or maintain a relationship

When people desperately want a relationship but it just won’t work out, there is often an underlying pattern from the family system. So the question we explore is: To whom or what are you being faithful by not having a relationship?

It is possible that loves in the past have not been able to continue. For example, because the loved one was at “the wrong church” and Grandpa remained loyal to his family and surroundings by running away from the loved one. Grandma was the second choice. However, the abandoned lover is still in the system.

It is also possible that (gay) sexuality had to be suppressed because in previous generations that could mean being completely excluded. For example, (grand)parents regularly chose a heterosexual straitjacket.

It is also possible that you yourself have landed in the wrong position of order in your family. When you have unconsciously taken the place next to your father or mother instead of the child position, there is no place for a partner.

Example 2:
A family constellation to find out where ‘troublesome’ behavior of children comes from

Similarly, when children exhibit behavior that the parents cannot cope with, from truancy to suicidal tendencies, it can often be traced back to the family system. The question then is not, “What is wrong with the child?”, but, “What does his or her behavior want to bring back into focus that could not find a place with the parents or grandparents? In a family constellation, we explore where you as a parent have a part of the system to include in order to approach your child differently and thus help them.

Maybe Grandma had a very unhappy childhood with abuse. Or someone died early or was murdered. Or there was a “madness” in the family. Mental problems were less accepted than they are now; people were locked up or excluded for it.

When there is a lot of guilt or shame, events are suppressed. The system then looks for a valve to release the pressure. That may be the child who is working very hard for something you cannot allow.

Example 3:
A family constellation when you are just short of making the move to start your own business

A situation that is very common is that people have everything ready on paper to start a business. But that push to launch the website, or that registration for the Chamber of Commerce – that’s where they stumble. What makes them not follow through? What are you being true to by not doing it?

In the past, there may have been a traumatic experience in a business that keeps you moving away from it. Perhaps there is guilt or shame due to bankruptcy, layoffs, a sudden move or poverty as a result of the events. Perhaps because of this, the pattern lives in you that you can’t or shouldn’t.

How does a family constellation allow you to take a new step?

Our survival instinct with trauma in the family is: we rip it out of our history book. It hasn’t been there. Or we shut it out by judging it to be bad.

However, the system does not allow for a vacuum. It wants to be complete. Therefore, it keeps looking for a way to bring into focus what should or should not be seen. Often this comes up in the generation of grandchildren. Then the system finds that enough has survived. Now it is time for all history to be allowed to be seen and to start living instead of surviving!

This can be done by closing in on taboos. And letting go of judgments. It is tremendously healing to be able to admit what was taboo. You don’t have to find it good or beautiful, but it’s there. And that step gives so much air that there is finally room to do things differently from now on.